Been kinda having a hard time focusing lately. I can’t seem to get my ‘me’ together. In my clearest moments I remember that everything, everything, is sent to me as training for my higher purpose. Even the hard stuff. Especially the hard stuff. And the ugly and uncomfortable stuff. The bad, the selfish behavior. Disappointing others by not being quick enough … or smart enough … or bold enough … or, usually, too bold. Why do I have such a hard time accepting this about myself? I am all of that. Why can’t I see it as a gift rather than something to run from or be ashamed of?
They say, ‘But, you’re out there!”
“You’re doing something I couldn’t do …” They say.
We all do things others would never do, nor have the desire to do. My thing has got to be out there in order to work. That’s part of my thing … getting out there. For better or worse. Take it or leave it. I’ve had a modicum of success, for a small person. But was I meant to be small?
If I’m meant to be big*, can I get big enough that the sharp sticks of judgement won’t hurt as much? Can I be big without changing who I am? Can I be what I am meant to be if some of the most important people in my life will never know? Who do I do it for, anyway?
My conversation with God goes something like this:
“Who am I, Lord?”
“Who do you want to be?” He answers. He always turns things around on my like this. That’s His thing. He thinks it’s cute. I find it irritating … but, He knows what He’s doing, so I play along.
“Well … who do You want me to be, Lord?”
“I want you to figure that out. That’s why I put you here.”
“Look. I want you to be who you are … fully and authentically.”
Then I cry, because the way He says it reminds me that He made me … just as I am. And to Him I’m big. I’m really big.
And it doesn’t seem fair that He brings so much to the table and I bring so little. I’ve always said that God made me loud and boundary-less (not always in a good way, let me tell you) because He wants me to speak, to be loud … and big … and compassionate and loving. Unfortunately He didn’t make me humble.
“But if I did,” He tells me, “You wouldn’t be out there. I need you to be out there, Catherine.”
“Okay,” I say.
Then I feel good. Until the next time I need to be reminded to embrace the miraculousness of what He provides me on a daily basis … so I can work on being big.
*We all have our own definitions of being ‘BIG’. What’s yours?